How to Help Someone to Grieve After a Death

A while ago, a very close friend of mine asked me how she could help her boyfriend to grieve the recent and very sudden loss of his family member. Having been through the grieving process several times myself, I was able to guide her with some techniques that helped me during my times of grief.

So I've compiled a list of ways that you can help someone to grieve. In a couple weeks for my next post, I'll list some things to NOT say to or do with a person who is grieving.  

Ways to Help Someone to Grieve

Let someone cry if they want to- It's not a bad thing to cry and it's not a sign of weakness.  Crying is actually helpful for someone to grieve effectively. Holding inside one's emotions and not letting them out, is detrimental to ones emotional and physical health. Allowing oneself to cry can also be a sign of self confidence.

Allow someone to say anything they need to- Listen to someone who is grieving and allow them to express things are are important for them to say. Try to let them talk even about subjects that you may not find to be pleasing, if it's going to help them. Listen unconditionally.

Respect the person's feelings (whatever they are)- Show the person respect at all times even during mood swings. They may experience and show anger, betrayal, sadness, loneliness at various times or within minutes of each other. Grief can be very intense and bring out many strong emotions.

Comfort the person- A hug or a hand on the person's shoulder can be very comforting to a person who is grieving. It can show that you are empathetic to what he or she is going through. This may not work however, with all people as some people do not like to be touched. Use your judgment.

Be patient- Patience is definitely crucial when you're helping someone to grieve. A person may be moody, express fear, appear sad, and cry at a seconds notice.  They could be on a roller coaster in terms of emotions. Try to be as patient as possible. Take breaks if needed, in order to gain strength of your own and be able to continue to help the person. The grieving process can take a long time depending on the individual, his or her relationship to the deceased and the manner in which the person died. Tragic deaths such as by suicide for example, bring on a whole group of additional emotions and complications.

Allow a person to be quiet at times- Not everyone expresses what they feel at all times. There may be times that a grieving person is quiet and appears to be in "his or her own little world". The person may say that he or she needs to have some time alone. When someone loses someone close to them, there's a whole lot for the person to process and figure out. Remember, the person's world is very different after the death of a loved one. Allow them time to be quiet and to be alone if that's what they want.

Be aware if a person needs to see a grief counselor- Based on your observations and knowledge of the person, it might be helpful to refer them to a grief counselor if you find that they would benefit from one. Be careful to not recommend one to them if they could be offended or might react negatively to your suggestion. Do some research on your own beforehand and perhaps research support groups that might be helpful to the grieving person. If you decide to make the suggestion to the person, do it with love and care.

All of the above techniques did help me to get through all of my periods of intense grief, so I speak from experience. Stay tuned to my next post for some things to avoid doing or saying to a grieving person.