9 Things to Avoid Saying or Doing to a Grieving Person
In my last post, I gave you a list of things you can do to help a person to grieve. Those were things that are very beneficial to people in their time of grief to process their loss and to be able to move forward with their life as effectively as possible.
Today, I am listing 9 things to avoid doing to or saying to a person who has just lost someone very dear to them and is in the process of grieving. Again, I speak from personal experience and I have received the same sentiments back from people who have shared similar experiences to mine.
1-Do not avoid the person- A person who is grieving the lost of someone needs support- and should not to be avoided. It only makes the person feel worse and even more alone when people walk the other way rather than coming to see him/her in a time of great need. Sure there are times, when the grieving person needs to be alone but it's not all the time. Be sure to be there for the person and to not avoid him/her even though you may feel awkward and not know what to say. Don't be afraid to see the person. You can overcome your awkwardness.
2- Do not fail to express your condolences to a person who has lost someone when you see them- Losing someone is a huge deal to to the person left behind. Not expressing your sympathy in some way, makes the person feel unimportant and insignificant thus adding to their feelings of despair and sadness. Be sure to acknowledge the person's loss as soon as you see him/her after the loved one has died. You can also send a card, flowers or some other trinket of sympathy.
3-Do not say, "You need to move on." or "You have to go on."- The grieving person knows this already and does not have to be reminded. It's actually a very insensitive and downright cold thing to say to someone during a time of grief.
4-Do not say "Things will get better" or 'It gets easier"- The fact is, it never gets "easier". The person needs to live with the loss of his/ her loved one forever. The reality is that the person hopefully learns to live without the loved one. Some people will adjust to that loss more than others, but it really doesn't get "easier". It can get less hard or less raw, but never "easier".
5-Do not say "That's life"- Saying this is heartless. It discounts and renders meaningless the lost life and the grieving person's relationship to him/her. Sure, we all know that death unfortunately is a natural part of life and the grieving person already knows that. Reminding them of that sad fact, is not necessary.
6-Do not say "He or she is in a better place."- This is another phrase that is said sometimes that doesn't not really help the person suffering with the loss. In reality, we don't really know for sure if the person is in a "better place". It's alright however, for the person grieving to say it about his/her loved one, if it gives them some sort of comfort that the deceased is not suffering or in pain any longer.
7- Do not say or write only a generic "Sorry for your loss." either in person or on social media.- Say more than that! I view it as a canned response from people who are just writing or saying something just to say it. Put more effort and feeling into it. A possible thing to say could be, "I'm so sorry for the loss of your husband." or "I am so sorry to hear about your mother". This adds more feeling to your words and makes it more meaningful to the griever.
8-Do not say "Time heals everything."- This is definitely not true. Time definitely does not heal "everything". Time can heal certain things but to say it heals everything is presumptuous. When someone loses a loved one, they live with that loss always. Time may make it less sharp and less raw in terms of the pain involved, but the pain from loss is never "completely" healed.
9-Do not say "It's been years already..."- Grief has no time limit. Some take a long time to grieve and others may take a shorter time to grieve. Let the person grieve for as much time as they need. It's not about you, it's about them.
Truly helping and comforting another person with the loss of a loved one, strengthens your relationship with him/her. On the flip side, not expressing your condolences and support effectively, deteriorates a relationship very rapidly and can destroy it forever.